Tests and Trials – The Closing Chapter

Ok, there it it. I even gave it a heading to set the intent.

This is the closing chapter of the test and trials I and We have been undergoing.

We have been placed into the complete opposition of what we were hoping to move into and become. Why was this? Did we know? Maybe this IS the path to get there? Though if that was the case then why a test or trial first? To see if we are ready? Surely that isn’t needed as if you are ready you would simply be and who would test us? Who has the right to doubt or need to deem us worthy except ourselves and our judgement OF ourselves and each other?

I think that is what it is about, our self judgement and judgement of the other. Otherwise why be put into such a situation of ourselves that we were not IN to start with. Or maybe it was always there all along and needed to be purged? Though then surely it would already BE present anyway. SO then why create it?

I get the feeling it is more about the process then any final judgement after the process. A ‘pass’ or ‘fail’. Feels more like you pass by completion then by an external judgement, otherwise Is feels like its just going backwards.. something that would STILL belong in the state of the test/trial.

So what is being tested? This human experience? Is this human experience the test? I don’t think it is. So what has been the test? I don’t think its this life, or self. I believe it was the trigger of the Dark night and the plunge into that and then the pulling oneself up the other side. Though not JUST out of the dark night, but ones ability to create oneself into that which was desired.

It is not someone else test, executed via this trial of experience. The experience is the test/trial itself. Though that all in itself, maybe only my personal perception. A perception OF a test or trial that I had to go through, though I am now getting the feeling that is not strictly the only or closest perception of it. It is the perception of an independent Self. An individual. Whilst it works, in a sense, it is also not fully correct. A rite of passage, is more accurate though it comes with a sensation of there being no initiator of this. Almost like it is a natural process. Yet it also makes us aware of how things COULD be.. almost like being shown the opposite of what we are seeking. Making sure we want this or even to show us what COULD be and to realise the value of what we have and to treasure it and each other even more.

Though this is about bringing this HERE. I cant forget that. This is about this Human Experience that went through this rite of passage.

It is rather akin to knocking down an old style house and creating a new style house with the same bricks. Its going to be messy and destructive and the re building it going to be hard work and for a while you wont have a roof over your head or and shelter from the walls. You will be homeless and living rough.

So A rite of passage? Or similar the needed steps taking to achieve what is desired?

I feel it is more about Becoming.. then having to pass a test or be deemed worthy enough to pass a test of some standard set for entry.

If you can survive and make the way out of the other side then you are simply successful in the transformation. There is no final judgement of your actions during that time etc. The only testing is on our ability to make it ….

CRAP just looked down and right next to me was MASSIVE spider,, long  legs lol Made me jump!

Ok I know that was saying something!

. So by making it we achieved it. Its not  race or competition.. its not a test laid out by some Almighty. Its simply a rough, hard task to undertake and  long time dedication to make.

Though it feels like a test of sorts though that maybe the perception of being within it. That perception coming from how tough it is on us. A test as pressure placed upon us to perform, to complete.

Though its more like.. ‘coming out of the other side’ of it. Rite of Passage, is a better description… though it still feels to much like something placed upon you. This is.. voluntary. Is it? Or is it simpl a type of maturation in evolution of the human experience? Yes, that makes more sense actually.

Whats the word I am looking for here… almost like a puberty lol. Everything is chaotic.. but in this case you have to take an active and aware role to get through it and its not just about riding it out.

Yes, evolution, is a good word. You evolve into something else at the end. Just feels like a test whilst you in it. The pressure, sense of approaching something, or there being a purpose or reason. A sense of.. not expectation.. its another word.. a sense that somehow part is aware of what is going on and waiting for you to do it. Or is aware of what is actually going on.. or just aware in an over arching way I guess. Like its looking down

So less test ‘un-doing’I just heard.. more evolution. I guess its due to the unknown factor that brings test perceptive up.

So a passage of evolution. A rough one that is relatively unknown whilst your going through it. As such brings up all sorts idea about was is going on, though that is all part of it, total and complete rescape. I cant shake the impression of a test though it seems a very small aspect which leads to the rite of passage impression more than a straight forward test. Evolutionary .. something.

Though that, in itself is only part of this. It hasn’t been the WHOLE of this life or even whole of my Path. It has been part of it. A challenge? Rather then a test or trial?…

The TF process didn’t start for me until I hit 30 which is about when my dark night really kicked off. Coincidence?

So before then was like a leading up to. Getting the change started.. making enough of a downwards spirial before the big plummet. Though in that time, making a foundation with which to make it through that plummet. A part of me disagrees with that though it is true looking back. I already had a foundation in energy healing and basic knowledge of energy, ascension and everything I ‘recalled’. I had already been doing initial energy healing and having changes internally for years and years before that. I already had the interested and awareness and openness for there being more. So I was in essence, prepared before the challenge. Yes the prep doesn’t seem nearly enough! Though its not about learning all the answers before the test (yes best metaphor I can think of). Its more about learning the basic rhythms to get you started, the rest you learn on the way.

This was the test of the dual being I am. The aspect of that Being currently experiencing this Aspect of the Dual Human Aspect. Yes ofc.. Dual Aspect.. Is. On a physical and human/person aspect. Dual Humans. Two human, two people. Two person, two persona, two IDs. Dual aspect above so below!

That dual aspect.. bringing this into the physical form (aka 3D) realm. It is already grounded by the fact of the dual T and L. It is just the awareness of those Duals that needs to catch up and awakening. This is what this passage is about. Becoming that, here. That One being that is M and F at once.

Not just awareness of that, but able to BECOME that, here. That is the desire and that is what ALL this has been for and about. Of course will be for further implications and reasoning’s for this and in getting to that, thought this is the process, the path the way of becoming and doing this. Hence this is where the focus it, regardless of the levels it takes place on. (Felt Loki for a moment there, must be onto something).

Though for now I will focus on that path and direction unless something takes a more forefront in my awareness.

‘Loki’ in my understanding is simply one of the manifestation of that Masculine.. somewhat of the higher version though sometimes a mix with T, but all the same Masculine.

So..

A trigger.. that leads to a downwad spiral. Emotions, physical, mental, even energy/spirit.

You could say the TF path is the spiritual version of the human Dark night of the soul!

Oh I never thought of it that way before though it makes a sense!!

Ohh that makes sense with what I said above. Its all part of the Dark Night. The transformational evolution across all levels.

That slips in nicely with everything else and makes a sense of why this happened in the TF sense of things. All levels change, transform under that pressure TF included. All levels of that One Being and all levels within that Being, the TF, the Dual Aspects of.

So there is no external, indirect testing or judgement going on here really. Its all in house, so to speak.

So on to those aspects of this I think.. this was my plan… just not to have 3 pages worth first though its all good, realised a few things!

Well there is :

the break down of the old,

The manifestation of things to be cleared..the physical pain.. the cramp…. The mental anxiety and fear, the loss of self confidence, perception of what is and was. The emotion pain and suffering with that. Also, along side that the loss of the ‘other’ the ‘mas/fem’, the break down of that self, the connection etc.

Though the breaking down was DUE to the changes already happening, they were to bring it about. That is the RESULT of the changes already started. Everything is just awareness of the effects than what caused them. The process itself. So not ‘things to be cleared ‘ but them already clearing. Also how many of this are connected?

Physical pain, the anxiety and fear over it, the loss of confidence over it the loss of self love and faith.. its ALL the same thing, all the same string. Not many different things. Its within ONE thing that made all these as the effect.

It could be that the physical, emotional and mental is all side affects of the spiritual? Or that what affects one affects them all.

Either way its all the same thing.

The ‘phobia’ maybe the start, the triggering factor? It’s the only things that I have understanding of now really.

It maybe just my awareness of this that was to happen. The initial calling or sensing its approach, me becoming more sensitive as I opened up and all I was aware of was the effect that was having… yes ofc.. it’s the same thing, just reacting to a slightly different thing, hence the indirect connection!

In all, I am coming out of everything now. Not just on the way back up, but actually on the way OUT. Crossing the barrier threshold of being in and being out.

So.. I am left with this sense of a part of me being missing, having died during that Dark Night. Hence I am no longer the same and not ‘carrying on as I used to with life’.

All of it seems to have reached a similar point now. Balancing off, on the same page. Though.. there is stilla piece not yet finished.

It is either to do with that phobia part of just this ‘dead’ part.

Either way, it feels good to understand all that happened and WHY, especially with the TF part and being able to slot it in with everything else so smoothly!

Every upheaval in my life, mentally, emotionally, physically, the TF/connection.. was ALL the effect of a Mass Whole Being transformation. The Dark Night on every level. Simple as that! Hah!

The what was ending and what is coming in. Mainly in slow-mo with emphasis and focus on the effects that created. The ‘sparks’ as things ripped away or grated as they moved against each other.

So a quick look at the ‘phobia’. That was the beginning effect I guess. A gradual ease in as the initial changes and sparks started to happen. It was early on and took a while to creep in though I believe this was to give me the time to notice and start to look for healing, to change, transform even on the most basic of levels. A gentle introduction to simple mental and emotional healing. The initial step forwards, the first energy flux, colour change, slight sliding of energy… a new era, the start of a great change and the fear and hesitancy, the sensitivity of starting the unknown. Uncertainty, avoiding things that seem overwhelming as there is already something going else on where. Being overwhelmed when seemingly, there isn’t enough going on TO overwhelm. Again, the awareness of the effects only.

This is what I am still doing though yes? Then maybe that initial process is not yet complete. That would make the most sense. Until it finishes, this will continue… yet I no longer suffer like I did, meaning I can flow with it until its over, by finishing the process. It crept in at the beginning and lingered, them maybe it will linger at the end and creep away to.

Gosh page 5 lol

Though now… this isn’t the same as the beginning as I am not the same, I am not even the same self, me, I that was at the beginning and I accept that. Hence I can sense this ‘state’ that manifested AS the phobia, the mental and emotional effect. I can sense what I got all fearful over and labelled ‘phobia’. This is what I wasn’t aware of feeling at the beginning.. I can feel it now!

So I choose to  NOT turn it into a manifested effect of Phobia any more!

That phobia was my reaction to this unknown. Now I can feel this, I no longer need that reaction and I have learnt that it does not server me or this purpose, this process at all. So.. what IS this feeling?

The ‘thing’ that started this all of. Ending where I began.. That seems appropriate. No. Ending where it began. But not ending as I began.

In that cycle, that process for change, change happened, now it is nearing where it started the changes are revealed and the cycle can be closed with the very first place it started. There is a saying here.. a book? A film? You end where you began though you now see it for the first time.. or something.

So here I am at the beginning which is also the end, yet I am not the I that started as such, I am here for the first time and I see this through new eyes and in the new way.

 What I feel as missing, it was changed, what died, what transformed. I accept this change. I am here and now only. The end that is also the beginning.. no.. a reflection of the beginning. Not a cycle per say but passing through the mirror to the other side, reflected, yet different.

Seeing the start in a new way, being able to do as needed with this that I was unable to do at the start. In effect, ending it at the beginning, before it even began.

So this isn’t ‘left over’ it’s the basis that was always there, under all the sparks and sliding effects. The main ‘thing’. Revealed in the light of awareness and consciousness, now able to reveal it due to that evolution, that trial, passage.

So.. its not a phobia, not anymore. This is something more fundamental. There is no thought or emotion involved.

Then there is this part that is missing. This I need to understand. If it is just the changes made then its fine. Though I feel that its not over in that space, that space that will enable new movement to proceed.

Are they related?

It cant be related as it was there ‘before’. Maybe what is new and coming in is needed for this? That would make sense. So in a sense I started at the end, then wound my way back end! Ha! That a sense of humour!

I feel good about where I am, how I am now. With everything. Its like.. 9 wands. The last leg of the journey.

A break is in order now, I am getting a overwhelmed headache. Though I am left with the missing and this ‘thing’.

 (a meal later)

Realised that maybe what is missing.. is what is causing this remaining thing? Only now am I realising it with everything else cleared away? It is a potential and the best maybe only one so far.

This brings them together, cause and effect. Missing thing causing this.. ‘wall’. The wall being the effect.

Side note: Loki is my masculine just as much T is.. that makes sense now!

So what level is this missing thing on? What is missing? What died? A part that ‘enabled’ which now is gone has brought up this ‘wall’, this barrier of ‘di-abled’?

This part that died, that triggered everything. So the part isn’t physical, mental or emotional. It must be spirit or energy. The sense that on that level.. something ‘died’ then ‘something’ stopped, hit a wall, blocked, trapped. This then filtered down to what I sense NOW which then manifested and unravelled as I went around the cycle to now, back and I can see and finally make sense of what this originally is/was!

Something changed on a top level. That is now what is missing. Hence things manifested and ground to a physical halt, this reality experience as a whole, matching the above.

Oh I like that….

So was it instant? I think it was, everything since that moment was it cascading down and down like a multi step water fall.

So I am was, have been in the same space all along. That same moment. The only change was across the dimensions really.

So.. something changed or happened. Then this feeling. That is where I am, where I started, where I ended. So there was no start nor an end. Just this moment. It had already started and has been ever since.

Hehe.

So what just changed? Its like the last x years never happened. Did they? Its weird but in this perspective they only happened in a blink of an eye. I kinda like that perspective though. Its like.. oh I wonder if that is why I still feel as young as when this started 0o

Ok, lets go with all that I like the perspective of it and it’s a great experience to!

So.. what changed, what was here then wasn’t? What suddenly changed that was an effect of this?

(that above what I just wrote is eye opening and lessons learned, experience well enough. Its quite a thing to write!)

Though being in this same space it started, beyond space and time.. is part of it.

So back in the moment, the now. Al the rest past, a blink of an eye, so temp and fast that it’s a blur.

Everything, was just within me, sparking off inside. The spiritual version of sparking of within the mind, illusions, vision, un stoppable changes and experiences, sights sounds.

A brief flash of a vision and its over. No different and I am back, though years have gone by in that moment of a flash. Amazing.

That might explain the blank look, blinking ‘wth’ confusion lol

That is good though. I am back after that weird vision :p

So.. letting it all go..

So I am back where I started, the loop of linear times yet I never actually went past this moment.

T S Elliot quote ‘“We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time”.’

My first awarenss outside that tattoo shop was the feelings something was missing, something that I should be able to see, be aware of, easily. I was determined to work out what that was, that is what started it all. So this feeling is infact one of the first ‘effects’.

Though this is the space, not that.

I know it would be obvious to say that ‘He’ is what is missing, though I am now able to understand a whole new level of that. I am suddenly grateful for that loop.  It makes sense now. I understand the whole of it.

I can ‘feel’ it somehow. It is like I have returned to the moment that only exists in truth. The linear timeline has played out though also it was over in a flash and never happened.

I can feel that ‘loop’ is over now. Or some part is at least. It is such a nice gentle subtle feeling. SO it is worth making a new ‘start’ at this all over again.