The Reoccurring Conundrum – Internal Conflict – To Be Or Not To Be

This has come around a few times for me. Should I be making this blog open to the public or should it be private?

I can see pro’s and con’s for both yet today it has hit me again.Part of me feels it should not be up for just anyone to read and immediately calls for me to hit the ‘private’ button before turning my attention to youtube. I went half way and hit the button for asking search engines to not list it. Yeah, maybe not THE best ‘cop out’ though, though its a half way point until I resolve this.

I know this comes from an internal conflict, part wanting to hide and protect myself and the other of wanting to release my changes and become free and put myself out there. To BECOME…. To commit?

There is something inside that I believe I must protect. I came across it yesterday when I finally understood my need to protect something from an internally created illusion of a threat projected outside into/as the world and everything in it.

Like it would do its utmost to deter and take me of my current path or situation. Though when I looked inside, I was protecting something I was holding onto that I thought was important. However I could also see that it was something I not longer put much importance in anymore. Yet this small part of me was refusing to let it go completely even though the majority knew it was over. It was no longer me. I was now also more.

When I held this part in acceptance and allowing I felt an overwhelming surge of unconditional love for that self that was still holding on and I knew it came from the majority that is now my soul self embodied. This ‘Little Self’ has been growing smaller and smaller as I have transformed that it feels like this whole process is an encroaching inevitable doom.

As the soul self I can see how this Little Self has put up a ‘black ring’ around itself, creating an illusion of separation. Maybe not intentionally, though created by its need to protect something.. or that thing itself is what created this black ring. Still I know as the Soul Self that I can not interfere, only love from a distance. This needs to be played out. It is rather like a Mother smiling and loving her child, that is playing ‘I cant see you’ by covering its eyes with its hands. The act of not seeing and covering the eyes is the way of protection.. much like the proverbial ostrich with its head in the sand.

Yet it is still there, can still be felt, the protection is illusion, denial to help fight the feeling of fear and threat that only exists within and created by the Little self. A reflection of itself and what it believes.

I have detached from this Little Self… I no longer feel its fear or live in its constant anxiety, however it is still a part of me, playing that role and that ‘resistance’ still affects me like a wall up in my face. One that has no emotional or thought written on it almost like it is invisible. This infact makes it harder to work out how to let go of what it believes. I am over 70% Soul Self now and feel compassion for this Little Self and the suffering it is putting it through, though it needs to transcend what it holds onto so it maybe remember itself as that which is currently fears. This is what I need to do. Yet… I am also this new being now.. Do I move back to let go or move forward to become?

I have decided to make all but the How Tos private and to no longer write blog posts! No more youtube either. I have made them all unlisted, however I will continue to write by hand as I have always done. Something needs to change and I thought re vamping an online presence was the next step but obviously it wasnt, so now to try the opposite!