Working Through a Self-Perception

I seem to be caught in this state of ‘shallowness’ towards this whole connection. How I feel about this, or how I think about how I feel.  That to feel such things are shallow. To want, desire such things. For this to be important emotionally. I know I have read time and time again about shallow feelings in connections. The desire and want, as things best moved away from and being ‘lesser’ in some way.

That they are not signposts of a connection and to look beyond them. In effect, I think I have somehow lead myself to believe that such feelings are to be removed. That they are the result of a shallow attraction or connection. Thus, this leads me to perceive my connection in such a fashion, along with myself in that situation. All I feel seems shallow in some way. Though I believe this to be the fact that there is much  of the deeper connection I am unaware of due to various factors.

The fact I am re-considering this seems to say that the awareness has opened enough for me to spot this programming, the result of general spiritual communities beliefs and ideals of how one should be. Forums and articles telling me how and what I should feel (or not).

Leading me now to judge myself as shallow for how I feel and what is most important. That the basis of my apparent connection is nothing more than that of a shallow gold-digger. Looking to see what I can get out of it for the sake of feelings of fear and survival.

My feelings are real. So is my desire. When did they become such a black mark against me? To make me appear fake or needy? To make myself out to be something I am not in others eyes. Especially my own?

I have always been a big believer in seeing beyond emotions and desires when it comes to identifying connections, though maybe along the way, I shot myself in the foot.

Its ok to feel this. It is ok to desire this. It is ok to want to be with Him. This makes me alive, living, feeling, open, experiencing. Its ok to BE this. It is ok to BE me. It is ok to have this connection with Him.

Hmmm..

The potential for self-deception has always been a factor with me. The shallow-desperate illusion or the very real, most important person in my experience.

If he was Joe Bloggs down the road, would I still have this issue?

Do I hear others judgement or my belief of my connection or do I simply judge myself for believing it is there?

I am either right in my perception or under-illusion.

I think I am afraid I am misleading myself though also afraid I am correct.

Which leads to my other issue. My shunning and denial of him through the fear of what He means for me.  The change, upheaval, the end of everything that is my current, is safe in its illusion of being.

I know this is a great thing. To meet. Though knowing how that may go and lead to is where my fear comes from.

That once that happens, something will set in motion and everything will be gone and I will willingly commit myself to this grand situation. I know I will.

Of course, this fear alone shows that there is some belief in this connection, in Him, or else I wouldn’t find my mind suddenly forcing in such mental scenes of drastic denials and rejections of Him on meeting.

That part of me is afraid and not wanting this to happen. I am fairly sure, it will still happening regardless. The meeting, where I already know how it will go, how I will feel. I know it in my being like it has already happened. That must be what is being so strongly denied. The end of the illusion of ‘what isnt’. The illusion this keeps as home and safety. Of prison and unaware more like.

I choose to reject that illusion and move into ‘what is’. This which I know is waiting for me to open to and accept.

The old way is no longer where I wish to be and my current state of having a foot in each camp has given me the benefit of comparison. As such I choose the later new way and recognise that I am ready to be happy there. With that, i move on and accept how I feel and what I know.