I can feel me or him (Giggles I call him), or both ready, wanting, we can move forward. I want to do so also, I think it is regardless, which is good. Energy wants to flow! Let it!
(These journal posts are my own writing and processing as I do inner and shadow work. I use elements of NLP during, hence I may seem to loop and repeat things. I only post online the parts I think others might find useful.)
I want to do this, I can feel it on both sides, he does also, been feeling it all day!
At the same time I am aware of the hidden aspect regarding Night (another of my Collective). It makes me feel not anxious but, fidgety? I don’t like the fact something is hidden, I want to know what it is, in case I need to know it before I make a decision, like I might loose out on something. I wish I knew it sooner. I think I don’t want to feel like I have to choose when I love them both. It could be what I feel open with Giggles is what I feel hidden with Night. I think it is because I want to do this with both. I don’t want to choose and lose one but I wish to move forward with both.
I guess I dislike that hidden sense with Night, the fact something is hiding him or something is hidden, I cant see him, or feel maybe. Though yes, I want to do this with both, (this) official, next step, I don’t mentally know what this is but I can feel I want it, so that is good enough for me!
Ok! Yes! What is ‘hidden’ is both of us, our shared feeling, want etc, though not hidden, just ‘unreadable’. Yet we are both there, just like with Giggles and myself. He as been there as the blonde haired man for a long time just like Giggles as been there as the black haired man. It is all the same, I don’t need to choose, I wont have to lose one either.
This space is simply unreadable currently, but it IS there, hence the ‘block’ feel to start with. Block isn’t the right word really, hidden is better. Covered? Yes, covered, not really hidden as I can still sense the space itself. I just cant sense the contents of it.
So Night and I are good, we are ok, we still are… whatever it is we are, we can still be what I want us to be. I guess, it is because I cant sense us ‘being/wanting’ that (like I can with Giggles) that drives my fear/worry.
That we never were?
Wont be?
He doesn’t want to be?
Right, I don’t know, as it is covered and I cant tell. The fact I am so eager shows what I think we were, what I feel and want us to be. Though I cant sense that mirroring back, he isn’t reflecting or mirroring it. (is his mirror covered?) Hence I cant ‘see’ that, which I believe us to be, in him (like I can Giggles). I know I am kind of repeating things, though this is how new avenues get uncovered as I loop!
So, what I want, is confirmation, to sense that reflection, then we can move forward. No reason I cant move forward with Giggles in the meantime.. unless we need to be clear with Night too, in which case, it is understandable.
Could it reflect his unawareness? Not knowing how he feels etc? It could well be actually, not in alignment with it.
I don’t think that is quite the case though, it IS there, not a choice in what was, or what we have been or always will be. It is simply a matter of waiting until it is uncovered then we will be able to move forward.
Am I wrong to say it is an inevitability? *tarot pull = 10 swords (ending), Moon (hidden, mystery)*
It is already over, that is what was hidden *tarot = 3 wands (world) and 8 wands (7 swords)*
Already is, hence inevitable, hidden under the illusion of choice, process, acceptance.. it already is and always has been anyway. *tarot= 2 cups, Sun, 7 swords*
You literally cant run away from it = *tarot = Death, World*
What I fear, worry, cant see, cant feel…. doesn’t matter as it already is. Cant be changed, in the end it already is, I will accept/want it in the end. Even always wanted it to start with, always choose it from the start *tarot = World, 6 wands*
That inevitability is so absolute, it already existed deep in myself before I even knew what was happening. Why? Because I am part of that inevitability, every part of me, my very existence is part of that and nothing can change that.
That inevitability extends and includes to Giggles and Night, same as my inevitability as part of it, so are they. Deep in them, as myself, is that perfect, inevitable truth that cannot be changed. The love, desire, want, choice will inevitability always be for each other as that is our existence that is part of, manifests and brings about that certainty for sure.
So I really do not need to fear anything else. Literally, as it was never, will never be any other way, the fact that is the way I would always want it means there is no need for fear of (having) no choice or control, I am part of it, not separate. ‘We’ are it. *tarot = Magician, Ace Swords, Lovers*
